There is an overused phrase that says that people buy from you because they know, like and trust you. So, would you like a quick tip on how you can get more people to like you?
Ask more questions.
Who would have thought that it could be that simple?
There is a Harvard research study dating back to the 1970’s that went on for decades where colleagues scrutinized thousands of conversations in a variety of ways. It was spread among people who were in casual 1:1 conversations, online chats or in-person group chats. Inside these conversations, they told some groups to ask many questions of one another (at least nine questions in fifteen minutes), and asked others to ask fewer questions (no more than four questions in fifteen minutes).
Across the board, those who were assigned to ask many questions were better liked than those who asked fewer questions. Additionally, those asking more questions learned more about the people that they were talking to as well.
Not only did the ones asking questions become more liked, they also became smarter in the process.
Can you think of a simpler way to succeed than by asking more questions?
But it gets even worse for those who don’t ask enough questions. In that same study, it was glaringly obvious that people, as a whole, simply do not ask enough questions. They learned through the study that there were two major complaints people had after an interview, a date, a work meeting or just a regular conversation.
- I wish (he/she) had asked more questions.
- I can’t believe (he/she) didn’t ask me any questions.
That second point is possibly my biggest pet peeve when it comes to relationships and conversations. I’ve been known to be a problem finder in life, which can be annoying to others. But I’ll give myself credit that, in the last few years, I have turned the dial on that down a few major notches. It’s been a goal of mine over the past year or two to become as unoffendable as possible. Which requires finding fewer problems.
But one that still riles me up internally is that last one. Nothing makes me walk away or get into my car shaking my head more than leaving a one-sided conversation where I essentially ask all of the questions. What’s funny is, when I realize that it’s happening, I start to give that look. The, “Are you kidding me” look. Do you really just love to talk about yourself so much that you have zero interest in learning anything about me? And even as I start to fade from the conversation (the looking around, losing eye contact, constant mutterings of ‘oh really’ and desperately trying to find my way out), they continue talking with no self awareness that I simply don’t care about what they have to say any longer.
And guess what? I like those people so much less than I like people who ask questions and show interest. Chalk me up as one more vote in that category.
Sadly, I think it’s become worse culturally over the past few years. Either that, or I’ve become so much more aware of it that I can’t help but see it right away. And once you see the patterns, you can identify those people so much sooner than before.
What I find interesting anecdotally is that those exact people in my life are the ones who struggle with their relationships more than the rest of my overall network. And it makes sense once you read these stats and these studies.
They are simply not liked as much. When they aren’t liked as much, they don’t get as many clients. They don’t get asked to go to the party. They don’t get invited to lunch. They don’t know why things aren’t going well. They might blame it on the economy or that everyone else is just a jerk. But they won’t ever find out for one simple reason.
They don’t ask!
Because they don’t see the value in asking questions.
Inside the Membership Freedom community a few weeks back, we had an amazing call where we discussed how to ask engaging and thought provoking questions. And there were ten key points that I went through, and many more that were in my notes. If you are excited about improving this and get better at asking questions, I want to give you one of the points that we discussed that might immediately help you.
Follow-up questions have magical powers.
To begin with, it immediately makes the person that you are talking to feel like you are listening, you care and that you want to know more. If I were to do an analysis of people that are great at asking questions, a majority of them intentionally ask follow-up questions. These people are the ones who make others feel special. They tell others how great they are to talk to. They actually listen to the other person, and form engaging questions about that, and their likeability factor immediately improves.
Whenever someone is interacting with another person and there are follow-up questions being asked, the other person feels heard as well as respected. If you can see how incredibly valuable that is, you have taken the next step to asking better questions, becoming more likable, as well as being more successful in your business and in life. To be better at this, it requires active listening. You must be a great listener before you can ask great questions.
It’s a formula for success that, frankly, too much of the population is missing out on these days. I challenge you to be more curious, ask more (and better) questions, and become more liked and successful.
I know that I, personally, never learn much just by talking about myself. And I love to answer questions when someone else is truly interested. But I have to challenge myself to be aware of the difference. And when faced with it, I ask myself a simple question.
Do I want to talk about me, or do I want to learn about someone else?
Each has their place but only one makes me more likable, educated and appreciated. It’s the difference between trying to be interesting, or trying to be interested. And we all have that choice.
Have an AMAZING week!
Vincent
